#24 PGE Park Faces

The Faces at Portland’s PGE Park are not art. They do not elicit feelings of nostalgia or wonder. They’re dead creepy and look like they should be on the cover of a straight-to-video horror movie called “The Faces” starring B-list actors Sarah Michelle Gellar and Dax Shepard.* Anyone who has been to, or by PGE Park since it was renovated/restored in 2001, has surely had an encounter with these bronzed abominations.

The story behind the two faces (one at each the NE & NW corners outside of PGE Park) is that one represents a young boy, the other a grown man. The Faces are “intended to mirror both young and old fans’ sense of amusement”. The Faces are supposed to mirror amusement? Amusement at what? Amusement at having just tag-teamed a sociopathic spree of stalking, stabbing, decapitation and dismemberment? Sure, it’s all amusing until a white male and female tourist will snap pictures of themselves while jovially intermixing with one of The Faces at PGE Park. They review the pictures only to find that they’ve also captured an unidentifiable but terrifyingly demonic looking blur. It initially will be unclear if the blur is the result of a camera malfunction, a meteorological event, or the physical apparition of the demonic soul that has in fact inhabited The Face. After logically dismissing the photo blur, the tourists will experience several instances of nail-biting, but ultimately anti-climatic, suspense. This will be followed by the freak-accident death of an African-American friend, a series of near death experiences and a lull into a sense of security. Only after the decapitation death of the male tourist, will it become apparent to the female tourist that the photo blur is actually The Face-inhabiting demonic soul. Seriously, it could totally happen.

Considering the aforementioned, the following people should approach PGE Park with extreme caution:

– Those wishing to avoid decapitation/dismemberment
– Tourists with cameras
– African-Americans
– Those experimenting with hallucinogenic substances (personal experience implied)

*Movie studios wishing to negotiate the purchase of the screenplay “The Faces” may contact thingsaboutportlandthatsuck@gmail.com

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