#26 MetroFi

Imagine: The City of Portland released a statement, “Coffee will now be provided free to 90% of Portland residents”. Included in this robust decree are statements promising home delivery and up to 1 cup per minute service. This amazing benefit to Portlanders is ad supported, but you don’t care. Hours have been spent on your blog devoted to socialized coffee in Portland and you got your wish.

However, as the project begins to unfold, you notice flaws which prevent you from accessing free coffee. Your NE Irvington home doesn’t seem to fall in the “90% of Portland residents”. No one has brought you said free coffee and you are still waiting… longing… Ultimately, you give up and walk to Starbuck’s at Fremont Place.

When you first heard mention of Unwire Portland, you gots all jazzed up. The dream of never paying another single penny for Commiecast was music to your ears. After MetroFi was awarded the contract to unravel the path to this dream, all of us felt proud to be living in Portland. Finally our lovely city would be at the technological forefront of this country. Two years later, I’m in NWPDX cussing at the paltry 31% signal I receive.

If you’ve EVER had the chance to use MetroFi, you’ll be AS extremely pissed off about so called “free Internet” as I am. Let me describe the ridiculous process.

  1. Find a signal (If you are one of the very few people that can find a stable signal)
  2. Type in Google.com (You won’t be able to access it)
  3. Download the mandatory and HORRIBLE Microsoft Sidebar program which takes up 1/4 of your screen feeding you obnoxious ad links and video feeds. This takes about 5-30 minutes.
  4. Once downloaded, type Google.com in your browser. Notice the first screen?

Yes, another f**king advertisement.

In the defense of The City of Portland, the entire project was supposed to be managed (from start to finish) by MetroFi and supported by advertising doll hairs. From the numerous bombardment of ads, to the lack of service, I imagine both parties view this dream as a complete nightmare.

The entire free internet mess reminds me of Frisky Dingo, Season 1. The Annihilatrix is an instrument of doom with a million gigatons of thrust to drive Earth into the Sun. The evil mastermind behind the plan, Killface, runs out of money from media promotion* eventually losing it all. Later on you find out that the Annihilatrix doesn’t actually work. When activated, the Annihilatrix moves the Earth only three feet AWAY from the sun, thus curing Global Warming. MetroFi is a piece of junk that hopefully will be used to cure Portland’s incestuous need for The Internet. Until then, can Sam Adams work on getting us free coffee delivered to our homes?

*”Postcards, the dry hump of marketing strategies.”

UPDATE: MetroFi is officially dead in the city of Portland.  Hopefully our city officials will find a third party solution.

4 thoughts on “#26 MetroFi

  1. Pingback: #9 Clear WiMAX « Things About Portland That Rule

  2. Corvallis is working on something like this. The city is pretty damn flat, and small. It’ll be interesting to see what happens. There’s really no excuse for it to fail: Its 2008 and Hewlett Packard’s headquarters are here.

    It might be about 5 or 10 years away but Portland will eventually have to set it up and make it work, just like everybody else.

  3. ”Postcards, the dry hump of marketing strategies”

    That’s f**king priceless. I damned near pissed myself laughing.

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