#35 Tonya Harding

Like salt in an old, crusty, gangrenous wound, Tonya -I destroyed my athletic career, reputation and hopes for an Olympic medal by conspiring with my a$$ of husband to whack Nancy Kerrigan in the knee– Harding has reemerged, appearing on the TODAY show! Apparently, Ms. Tonya has written a book which attempts to disperse the blame of her downfall over any and everyone she’s ever met.

Once the golden child of Portland, Tonya reached new heights as the first American woman to complete a triple axel (whatever that means). She won the U.S. Figure Skating Championships twice and finished behind Kristi Yamaguchi in the World Championships. So, why is Tonya Harding such a sore spot to Portland?

Folks living in Stumptown during 1994 remember how the international Tonya Harding scandal hit embarrassingly to close to home. The International news community painted Tonya as trailer trash from Portland, or that she was from Portland and therefore trailer trash. This isn’t to say that their assessments were entirely unfair, and that Tonya didn’t dig herself into a pretty deep hole. The whole “Nancy Kerrigan WHY ME! WHYYYYYY!” ordeal aside, there’s quite a bit more that contributed to Tonya’s downfall. A few highlights:

  • Dropping out of Milwaukee High School to earn her G.E.D. STRIKE 1!
  • Filming a sex tape with former husband Jeff Gillooly which, naturally, ended up on the internet STRIKE 2! *
  • Entering the sport of professional boxing because she was broke and needed the money STRIKE 3!

If Harding followed rules, she should be out.

However, with Tonya’s reemergence as an author (cough, cough, choke, gag, cough), Portlanders cringe and hope mention of our fair town will be omitted entirely. Lucky for us, there seems to be a very thin silver lining in all of this. It does appear, friends, that Tonya has packed up the trailer and hauled her washed-up tookis over the river to … you guessed it! Vancouver! Somehow, that seems fantastically appropriate.

* Or would that be ball 2? Bad joke

23 thoughts on “#35 Tonya Harding

  1. Tonga Harding is a fat hidieous piece of wanna be white freaking trash how can anyone call that thing a celebrity. Never was anything to look at can true Tv get rid of that gargoyle its pruning the show!!!! Serriously

  2. There is another crime with the same names as Nancy and Tanya:

    A crime victim, Jerry Shelley left behind his wife, Nancy, while Henry Scott Finney, left behind his sister Tonya (sic) Harvey!

    Both Shelley and Finney are shot dead by a crazy old man!

  3. Man, I lived in that gloomy town for a decade and if you want a representative chick of Portland, Tanya is a great example!

  4. I think Everyone hates this bi@tch, she doesn’t deserve to be famous, she’s disgusting even to look at, and did you hear her say she didn’t deserve bad press, lmfao, she deserves to have her legs broken, but she’d just write another book, I say we just ignore her and let her live on foodstamps.

  5. *groan* she’s just been interviewed on a Sunday morning here in Australia about this piece of published pap.

    What a waste of time – no one cares about this whingeing queen of crap anymore, and she will never be able to shift the blame elsewhere, especially when you consider the Three Strikes that you’ve mentioned here.

  6. *groan* she’s just been interviewed on a Sunday morning here in Australia about this piece of published pap.

    What a waste of time – no one cares about this whingeing queen of crap anymore, and she will never be able to shift the blame elsewhere, especially when you consider the Three Strikes that you’ve mentioned here.

  7. “However, the fact that she’s published a book does explain why Crayolas have been in such short supply up in Vantucky. Mystery solved!”

    Oh snap, hehe.

  8. Well, to be completely accurate, Tonya (like Lars) doesn’t even live in Portland … she lives near Camas.

    However, the fact that she’s published a book does explain why Crayolas have been in such short supply up in Vantucky. Mystery solved!

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