#36 Ringlers

“I’ve never had a good time there and I’ve never had a bad time there”

Perfect quote for someone trying to describe the most divey of all Portland “clubs” (a.k.a. The cedar underbelly of the Crystal). Now I must warn you, the graphic detail in this thing about Portland that sucks may offend. With that simple disclaimer out of the window, let’s offend!

For the three McMenamins bars in this building, I would like to classify them in this group, and eventually, you will find all classifications to be true depending on your definition:

The Crystal Ballroom– The Delicate Genitals
Lola’s Room– Taint’s Room
Ringlers Pub– Assholes Pub

After waiting in a line that’s “at capacity” for 3 minutes, you can tell this is going to be a night filled with assholes. The current $5 cover charge on weekend nights hasn’t hampered this phenomenon either. As most dudes can attest, no cover charge will deflect the asshole phenomenon… but this experience is different for the ladies. Imagine a large conglomerate of dudes waiting to push their lower region upon you from behind. If you want the Animal Planet-esque club experience, look no further than here. Bunch of genetically inferior men trying to get with physically enhanced women is a crash course for failed evolutionary reproduction.* Only McFadden’s has the ability to match the amount of assholes.

In what physically seems like the largest serving bar in Portland, the service suffers from the fact they are still McMenamins’ servers. You will experience the same long “McMenamins’ wait” from these understaffed employees. Drink lines are stretched to the length for each side of the bar making wait times excruciating. Like every other club, those who know a server personally will receive preferential treatment.*

One of the bigger draws for Ringlers is the fact you won’t have to get here before 10:30 p.m. to secure your own table. Adequate seating throughout the joint creates plenty of options to avoid the dance floor… and avoid you will. With the smallest club area this side of XV, Ringlers Pub manages to squeeze a large amount of people in a unmanageable area. Shaking it at Ringlers insures that you will bump and grind with other club goers in the too-close-for-comfort arena. As some clientele take up much more room, and with the amount of break dancing, its a wonder that many people can cram into such a tiny place.

If you want to avoid an inordinate amount of assholes but still have a good time, there is more than enough space to dodge the crowd. I guarantee you won’t have a bad time there… but you won’t have a great one either. Ringlers is the best mediocre club in town.

*In the defense of Ringlers, this does take place at other nightclubs… kinda

Leave a Reply