#41 Environmentalists

In other cities these people are recognized as those tree-hugging, earth-lovin hippees. In Portland, OR, they are known as your friendly neighborhood environmentalist. The chance that you have met one in your life is quit possible. Like an annoying alley cat that keeps you up all night meowing for attention, they’ve found a way to sneak into every Portland neighborhood. Portland has become a magnet for these self-proclaimed superheroes and it isn’t going to change. So why would anyone say Earthly do-gooders suck?

Because they are people that annoy me.

Think of a time when you had a “conversation” with an environmentalist. Was it ridiculously one-sided? Did it come off as preachy? Did they nag you until you had to pretend to agree with them?

The truly frustrating thing is their weepy eyed faith based testimonials on Gaia and the earth mother being used as support for whatever hair-brained ban they’d like to pass or business they’d like to ruin. These people almost never use reason or (gasp!) science since they are the ones exposing the fraud of healing touch and natural medicine. If they’d just take a step back from the sensationalism and emotionalism that they have wrapped around all issues green and tried to meet business and the general public with reasoned science they would find a much more receptive audience. But as long as they can feel good about their Prius (larger carbon footprint to build than a Hummer) and awkwardly sneering at the dolt who threw away his beer bottle- green will be nothing more substantive than emo.

And basically that sums up the grassroots campaign of possibly the most annoying, obnoxious “ists” people in the world. Their disrespect for agriculture (pesticides, non-organic and logging), recreation (hunting and fishing) and societal activities (urban development, property rights and global warming) have now caused an outbreak of trendy popular environmentalists. These people only have a basic knowledge of what sustainability means, but they adopt the causes that fit their “lifestyle”. I’m not particularly sure if its the “everyone else does it, why shouldn’t I?”* mentality but younger demographics are always hoping on board the trendy train.

This rising population of “greenos” will eventually adopt their own culture:

Music: Decemberists, The Shins, Postal Service, Dave Matthews Band and Sheryl Crow

Clothing: Goodwill, Compound/Oddball and American Apperal

Food: Whole Foods, Stumptown Coffee, Roots, and Daily Cafe

Institutions: ORBike, Recesstime Sports Leagues and Saturday/Farmers Market

So as Portland becomes more “green”, its citizens are picking and choosing the causes that satisfy their guilty conscious. Doesn’t this sound like the Catholic religion of political movements? One can only hope that this movement won’t attempt to take over the world through mission work. In order to ensure this doesn’t happen, the next time you see/hear someone preaching green, go ahead and grab a tainted tomato that you carried home in a plastic bag, and throw it at them screaming “The power of Terra compels you!”. It may not destroy their confidence on the matter entirely, but at least it’ll shut them up for a minute.

* This could also be “What Would Alec Baldwin Do”

21 thoughts on “#41 Environmentalists

  1. Ugly,unsightly eco-freaks should all be rounded up and placed in a mental ward of some nut-house becuase their all nuts

  2. I grew up in Portland.

    I move long ago, ’98. But talk of environmentalists makes me think of an Eugene case someone I know is a defender of.

    Some guy, Jeff “Free”(don’t laugh) Leurs, tourched some SUV’s almost 10 year ago. The judge made an example of him and considered the crimes to be under some manditory sentencing law. He was sent to the state pen for 23 years. He claims to be a political prisoner.

    But get this. He unapologetic because he burned the trucks as a protest of climate change. What a fool. He succeded in releasing hugh amounts of toxic gas and f-ed up his life.

  3. These people need to get a job and quit running around acting like such a bunch of jerks i mean too much gronola makes their brains shrink

  4. Another stupid TV ads for those dumb water filtters one by BRITTA and the other by PUR their grating on ones nerves especialy the stupid ad for PUR with the stupid talking water one HEY I RECYCLE THEIR BOTTLES FO ITS NOT BURIED IN SOME LANDFILL and as for the others ENVIROMENTAL DEFENSE should be flogged for using kids in their crappy ads

  5. Sid says, “… a few hours of dealing with Portland’s particularly shrill and humorless environmentalists, and I want to heat my house with plutonium nuggets and old tires.

    Thanks for a day with a great laugh!

  6. They have been showing some realy stupid TV ads on THE HISTORY CHANNEL showing some wussietard nit-wit riding around on his silly bicycle and doing some stupid song YEAH IDIOT LETS SEE YOU GET A WHOLE LOAD OF GROCERIES HOME FROM THE STORE ON YOUR BICYCLE THAT WAS PROBIBLY BUILT IN CHINA IN SOME SWEATSHOP

  7. The overload of greenspeak is unfortunately a lot like the overload of child-abuse stories on talk shows. People hear it too often and get jaded, but the core problems don’t go away.

    I think a lot more focus should be placed on root cause and effect, namely constant human population growth on a finite planet. Portland wouldn’t have to fight for growth boundaries in a stable, steady-state system.

    The assumption that the population and economy “must” grow forever is a colossal lie when you learn about demographics, meaning birth rates, death rates and what’s knocked them out of balance. We already have the technology to equalize those two forces. It’s called contraception.

    People who speak of population growth as inevitable are like cancer victims eschewing all possible cures. If any other species behaves like Man we call it a plague, and rightfully so.

  8. Stuck in Seattle wrote:


    White Guilt is an overused cliché. True environmentalism means having a brain that can understand a simple concept like carrying capacity. You can’t keep adding 77 MILLION people to a finite planet each year and expect nature to keep up like a bottomless pit. But that’s exactly what economic-growthism expects of nature. Constant rises in consumption, depletion and waste generation, forced by 210,000 more people on the planet each day.


    Actually, the people who need to stop breeding are the ones too ignorant to respect limits, for they are doing the most damage. Neocons like yourself know full well that nature is being torn down 24/7. They are just too soulless to care because MONEY can be made. Little is worth much to modern “conservatives” without a price tag on it. They reject the whole idea of intrinsic value in preserved nature.

    Speaking of breeding, it’s funny how neocons keep complaining about immigration, but make it worse by cutting foreign birth control aid. They are too blinded by ideology to act pragmatically.

  9. Your claim about the Prius having a “larger carbon footprint to build than a Hummer” has been debunked as a cherry-picked lie (Google that quote). And of course Hummer emissions over a lifetime far exceed the Prius.

    Money (which your ilk worships more than anything) is not a resource unto itself. It’s quickly becoming evident that growth-addicted economies are Ponzi schemes made possible by historically cheap oil. That era is now coming to an end. We need to ditch all this righteous gluttony dr-wordd in the flag.

    The real story is that most people who criticize environmentalism are terminally anthropocentric. They think people are the be-all-and-end-all, and all other life show acquiesce to human greatness (and relentless overpopulation).

    Just because certain types of environmentalists are annoying doesn’t make the core concept flawed. Said concept is the human race trying to exist for just another 50 years without destroying its only source of life.

    Nature keeps you ALIVE, not money, not faith, not ego. Many natural services (like pristine watersheds) are free and taken for granted. The precious “economy” couldn’t exist without them, and didn’t exist for over 99% of Earth’s history. Of course 6-day Creationists will deny that, and their ranks are full of anti-environmentalist, anti-knowledge morons.

    Human population growth is the biggest environmental problem by far. It’s driving most resource depletion. 77 MILLION more people annually are suffocating this finite world, but it’s being called “economic growth” by drones who could care less about what’s actually keeping them alive.

  10. Environmemtalism = more White Guilt.

    Erect a 100-foot tall statue of Al Gore and watch them flock to it, bow down, weep, and proceed to slash their wrists en masse. Nope, no cyanide-laced Kool-Aid necessary here. Even Joseph Stalin would be proud.

    And with reference to the mention of the lack of a sense of humor on the part of these useful idiots, when was the last time you heard so much as a *chuckle* on NPR? It’s like listening to a bunch of Steven Wright clones on Valium.

    If these people truly believe humanity is such a scourge on the face of the earth, why do they continue to breed?

  11. Although I agree people should take better care of the environment and pursue solutions to the growing problems we’re facing, I also agree with what you’re saying about “environmentalists” here. They annoy ME. I attribute their in your face, master thesbian street performances to how trendy it’s becoming.
    The know it all, soap box mentality is what Portland is becoming known for and it’s pretty sad. You can be active without being pushy. You can know little about global warming and be active.

  12. Err… isn’t this a little like saying you hate Christians because of the way they always handle snakes and molest children?

    At which point does not crapping near yer food dish turn into an annoying -ism in your book?

  13. Yeah, screw environmentalists. They’re trying to make us change the ways that we’ve developed over that last 1-2 centuries which have done such amazing things for air quality, population density, spread of disease, water quality, wildlife habitats, etc. etc. etc.

    Seriously? When a group organizes with the intention of SAVING THE PLANET which our “civilizations” are systematically destroying (there is absolutely science to support this), I think it’s their obligation to annoy people like you. That way you’ll write blogs about them, people will realize how ludicrous, petty and irrational your rant is and, just maybe, a few more people will be compelled to identify as tree-hugging environmentalists.

    Think about all of this while you’re farming on your land that has been protected by passing of Measure 49 (widely supported by those crazy enviro’s in 2007), while you’re hunting/fishing thanks to license you legally obtained & paid the Oregon Department of Fish & Wildlife for (you should read about their conservation strategy) and driving your Humvee around at $4.30/gallon.

  14. I understand.

    I don’t like fundamentalists of any stripe, whether it be bible thumpers or vegans.

    ps: It gets incredibly amazed looks when you call folks like that fundamentalist in civil conversation. They almost faint from the shock of it. Then to go about calmly explaining how their approach and worldview is in the same universe as the crazy bible guy who shouts on street corners about how everyone is going to hell — it’s a hoot I tell you.

    And it holds water, which is the best part.

    “I’m right, you’re wrong, and you will grow as a person by listening to me (and I’ll never listen to you)” — same s**t different subject.


  15. Bpaul, it’s not the thought, but the execution. Listening to PETA members for more then ten minutes manages to make most people buy a fur coat and eat steak for the next few months; likewise, a few hours of dealing with Portland’s particularly shrill and humorless environmentalists, and I want to heat my house with plutonium nuggets and old tires.

  16. I know bitching in the comments of an unabashedly negative blog (which I normally get a kick out of) is dumb, but I couldn’t hold my tongue on this one.

    I’ll keep listening to godsmack and shut up now.

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