#44 McFadden’s

OFFICIALLY OUT OF BUSINESS!

McFadden’s, why can’t you just die like my grandfathers did twenty years ago?

For ages, McFadden’s has provided Portland with one of its premiere Meat Markets. While other popular sausage fests such as Banana Joes, H20 and Moody’s dry out, McFadden’s has found the winning formula. Part Irish and New York-wannabe bar, McFadden’s draws tools from all over the greater metropolitan area. For those who have not experienced McFadden’s greatness, let me draw up a typical night:

9:45 – Not-that-great-of-friend is lighting up your cell that they are on the VIP list (or they left a Myspace comment to the same effect). This never seems very enticing, except for the fact that you have no real better plans that Friday night.
10:00 – Receive a text message reminding you to be there before 10:30 in order to get in on “sweet drink specials”
10:35 – Arrive to an almost empty bar full of tools with popped collars. If its winter, drop off your coat with unattractive coat check girl.
11:30 – Drank four beers and the DJ is beginning to spin top 40 hits… need more drinks. If you smoke, you are lucky. The patio area is the high point of the bar. You’re halfway to not being at McFadden’s
11:45 – While smoking in the “safety zone”, the friend who drug your a$$ here wants to leave for “a much cooler bar” (ie. Dixie Tavern, Bettie Ford, Ringlers)
12:00 – A decent crowd of barely 21 year olds and creepy 35 year old tools arrives. Occasionally a cougar can be spotted, groping a young dude.
12:30 – The bar is reeking of Tag body spray and skankiness waifs off of a stray bachlorette party. A dude on a 21-run gone bad is puking in the incredibly small bathrooms.
12:45 – Fight just broke out and some dude knocked beer all over you
1:00 – Decide to go home because the music is lame and the crowd vibe has moved from slightly creepy to really scary.
1:15 – Arrive at Marathon Taverna

Now, I’m not necessarily warning you never to go to McFadden’s. In all honesty, I’ve patroned here. I’ll take out-of-town friends here… maybe celebrate a birthday party or two. The wait staff isn’t horrible. It’s easy to avoid the annoying/ugly people. You may find that 1 out of 3 times you enjoy yourself. And there is only one reason for that. This really is the place to meet your future ex-wife/husband.

Girls here are generally surprised that you buy them a drink, and charm really isn’t needed. Guys are so insecure that they just huddle around the dance floor, staring like perverts. Ultimately, McFadden’s is a hook up spot for the unintelligent. Highlighting that fact is the main reason McFadden’s has stayed alive.

7 thoughts on “#44 McFadden’s

  1. Also, this one doesn’t seem to be so much about Portland as it is a bar full of diaperbags that could be anywhere. It’s not even so much a Portland institution nearly as much as was the business that previously occupied the space, which was actually named The Meatmarket.

Leave a Reply