#55 Parallel Parkers

Those who live or work in the populated area of Downtown/Pearl/NW know how rare street parking can be.  Some become elated at an opening spot right in front of them.  Others spend hours searching for that perfect place just a block away from your favorite cafe.  Finding that spot can literally make your entire day even though you may only be parked there for a hour. Once you’ve spotted your prized opening, all you have to do now is parallel park.

It really is a simple process that the people of Portland have not figured out. Apparently the desire to drive or park correctly has been abandoned. People dive nose first in to spots they don’t fit in, finding that they need to spend ten times the amount of time correcting their mistake then if they had just parked correctly in the first place. While they attempt to correct their error they end up holding up traffic, raising blood pressures of surrounding drivers as they go.

Then there is the guy from Gresham in the F350 that tries to fit his truck into a spot that was clearly not made for anything larger then a Mini Cooper. Sometimes he has his Aqua-net doused girlfriend crawl down from the cab to “spot him.” This girl is usually of no help in her spandex and bad perm. Honestly.  Also, for the love of beer, please signal if you are going to correctly park into a space. If you don’t signal, no one knows where you are going and may inadvertently and irreversibly block the spot that you want.

Now, once in the space, Portland drivers seem to like to make their spot larger by repeatedly bumping or smashing the cars in front and behind them until they feel they have the adequate wiggle room. These drivers generally drive old, smelly Volvos or beat down Honda Civics with already crinkled license plates from previous parking adventures.

If this sounds like you, please refer to http://www.ehow.com/video_1872_parallel-park.html for instructions on how to park correctly. Please note: First step is always to pull your head out of your posterior.

6 thoughts on “#55 Parallel Parkers

  1. Uh, Ryan, I have a slight suspicion Jeb was being sarcastic.

    By the way, I moved out here from the east coast (New Jersey, driving daily in NYC) and I have to say, I LOVE PDX, but the drivers out here are just awful. People hitting their brakes on the freeway with nobody in front of them, NEVER signaling, not moving when the light turns, etc. I have driven all over the US, and SW Washington is second only to the Portland Metro areas in bad drivers.

  2. Haha. Of course no one knows how to park. Portland is a podunk town and the retards here can barely drive their cars let alone park them. Live and try parking in Hoboken, NJ or in Forest Hills, NYC. If you don’t know how to parallel park there then you probably shouldn’t have a car.

  3. Oh, and don’t forget that there’s a good reason why nobody signals a turn to park: it’s because the moment you signal, four assholes see the available space and try to shove their way in. It’s even worse when trying to get out, and this is true for any parking space in Portland: make the mistake of looking as if you’re going to leave a desirable parking space, and you’ll find yourself blocked in by four idiots with Washington license plates on their Escalades, all completely unwilling to back up an inch to give you enough room to get out. I’ve had no choice but to get out of the car and wait until the morons finally realize that they can either idle their phallusmobiles all day or haul their corpulent carcasses another whole twenty feet to the location they want, and as soon as they give up, I can usually escape.

  4. Hey, I drive an F350 and my girlfriend happens to wear spandex and I ain’t see nothing wrong with it. I admit that she can’t drive for s**t, but I take offence to this cause I can park, turn, stop, whatever on a dime my friend. In fact I once wrestled a baboon twice my size. You city people rub my red neck raw. Just remember if you see the F350 the guns probably in the rack. Jeb out!

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