#57 Tigard

Tigard. T’ain’t Beaverton. T’ain’t Tualatin.

Although Tigard claims to be “just outside of Portland”, once you get out of the city, you won’t find Tigard for at least another twenty minutes, and that’s without the horrific cluster f**k of traffic – which is usually worse than downtown traffic. If you live in this time warp of traffic and are trying to get anywhere (even somewhere else in Tigard) plan on the trip taking at least 25 minutes. Other cities that have traffic problems (Seattle, New York, LA) at least have a reason for it – a.k.a. there are lots places in those cities that people actually want to go.

There’s no way this applies to Tigard – where the main attraction is the Washington Square mall. It may be one of the highest grossing malls in the US, but that doesn’t make it any better – it might just make it more depressing. It’s been there since the 70’s and has included the standard department stores ever since. Another main staple of Washington Square is the ‘Teen Section’ that includes McDonald’s, Hot Topic, Zumiez, and Claire’s. Here’s where the term “mallrat” was coined and still thrives, with 7th graders in plenty of punk/gothic garb. The mall did recently make some upgrades, including adding parking structures (because I want to fight for a covered parking space, not just an outdoor one). They also added some “higher end” retails stores such as Sephora, Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn…KIDS so that I can feel badly about myself and my “frugal nature” as I walk past them and their snobby employees to get to Forever 21.

The addition of the Cheesecake Factory to Washington Square also proved exciting, since the other restaurants in Tigard cater mainly to the family with 239,842,034 kids and/or the retirement crowd, with Rudy Tuesdays, Elmer’s, TGIFriday’s and Red Robin being some of the finest.

How about the nightlife? This is not referring to Downtown Tigard, as some might assume. Downtown Tigard consists of one street full of dilapidated storefronts – Café Allegro is the only business among them that anyone has actually heard of, and that’s only because they assault you with direct mail coupons with every chance they get. No, the nightlife in Tigard is mostly made up of the Bars on 99 (Pacific Hwy), such as Mixers (bad karaoke, hip-hop and Suburban Sluts), The Steelhorse (where the “bartenders” are over-tanned, over-dyed brunettes wearing chaps and hot pants) and Gators (more bad karaoke, this time closer to Fred Meyer). They’re great for a night out if you’re sick of the meat market of downtown nightlife, but inevitably have that ‘one creepy guy’ who stares at you from across the bartop, over his… well… scotch, and then, after watching you for half an hour, gets the guts to come over and awkwardly start a conversation – always with the intro “what’s that you’re drinking?”. He’s always a glossy-eyed 45-55 year-old divorced guy, very interested in what you do for a living, and the rest of your 20-something life that you’re not missing out on like he did, and most likely works as an insurance agent (or other unfulfilling financial-type job). There’s really nothing more creepy than being hit on half because he thinks you’re attractive and half because you remind him of his daughter.

Tigard will always remain a massive void in Willamette Valley ready to suck in families looking for more affordable housing. Without any relevance to the surrounding Portland area, people will forever “ugh” people that live in Tigard. So cheers to those brave enough to live in such a sucky city.

45 thoughts on “#57 Tigard

  1. If you think that Tigard is the worst place in the world to live, it just shows how little you have traveled and how ignorent you are. It is true Tigard sucks, but not for many of the reasons listed by people here. First, it is dreary and rains all the time everywhere in Portland area, NOT JUST Tigard. Welcome to the Pacific Northwest. Second, there are all kinds of people who live in Tigard, yes this includes retirees, racists, and rich b*#@hs along with hippies, yuppie moms, teens, children, white American, black American, African, Chinese, Korean, Mexican, Colombian, Canadian and all the other kinds of people you find around the world. Third, so what if the buildings are older and a little dirty. They are good building that only a little TLC would make great. If you need entertainment, make it for yourself, create your own good business or just visit downtown Portland. What sucks about Tigard is that in trying to “improve” Tigard more traffic is being created, by adding more overpriced shoddy quality housing and overly expensive store and business laden strip malls that most of us living here already cannot afford. ( Just what we need another Whole Paycheck). The improvements have not been energy smart and efficient and no public meeting places have been created, just more expensive housing and businesses. They are just bringing in more moneyed wanna-Be’s. I live in Tigard and am NOT happy. This is not the change I think it needs. I have not been able to fight it as I was attending university in Corvallis for the last three years. I hate how it has changed. I will be involved now to help fix the direction, and to involve current residents.

  2. I have to say I agree. Moved to Tigard a couple years ago and I can’t wait to get out of here once we can afford to move to Portland. The residents of Tigard seem incapable of passing any ballot measure that would actually improve this community. Mass transit? A YMCA? Those seem like no-brainers to me, but apparently not to the rest of Tigard. It’s just a bunch of apathetic retirees who don’t give a shi**. I have always lived in college towns (Eugene, Corvallis) where people actually care about their community, so I not used to this suburban mindset. Can anyone explain to me how Tigard became this way?

    • The YMCA was basically a proposal to give away public land and money for the benefit of a few folks who could afford and use the project.

    • Tigard is such a racist town. It is full of uneducated hicks who cannot summon the energy to take their brats to a park. I assume that is because parks do not allow alcohol to be consumed so how would parents dull the rest of their faculties.

      Therefore, these denizens of this most racist town block streets to make their personal parks in the middle of city streets and scream at anyone they feel will not pound them into the pavement. That is, they will not scream and yell and flip a finger at a large white male but will at any minority or woman. They especially love to scream and yell at minority women because they are, after all, misogynists as well as racists.

      Tigard racists love to bully minority women because they are cowards to the core. That is the truth of Tigard.

      They set up these corridors of racism and misogyny and scream at cars to slow down because, you know, this is really not a street (actually it is a public street) it is their personal playground. They place their children in the path on oncoming traffic then yell at the traffic.

      They should be reported to child welfare because they are using their children, as usual, as pawns in their game of misogyny and racism. They are despicable. They are the lowest of the low human beings.

    • There was a business in Tigard called BJ Willies. It was not a bar as you might expect but a restaurant. It was named that on purpose. This is the kind of hick mentality you find in Tigard.

  3. You are misinformed. We have a demographic here that has both high income and middle class residents. Engineers, nurses, computer operation systems management, and business owners are my neighbors. We do have the mall that does have high end stores and then we have Bridgeport Village. We are also getting our second Whole Foods. The Oregon State Bar Association and The Oregon Medical Association have their Huge offices here. My neighbors all drive high end cars Lexus, BMW, etc. Have you ever been to Tigard Costco parking lot ? Tigard is mostly made up of DINK’s who have a household income of 75k+ Statistically, most of our residents stay put for many years. Blitz 99, Thirsty Lion, Native Foods Cafe, Thong Thai, Shiraz grill, and Banning’s Pie house are all great places to grab a bite to eat. I think that you may not like the traffic factor which is understandable but no reason to make fun of it as a whole. The crime here is low. The close proximity to everything is why this area has become a hot spot for business development.

      • There are not enough corporations in Tigard to produce drones. There is not enough income to produce yuppies or ultra-consumers. You can see teens trying to emulate this kind of thinking but their parents do not have enough cash to see it through.

        It is quite pathetic and can make you quite sad to see their failure.

    • That is totally incorrect. A small section of Tigard has higher income people. They are higher income but they are uneducated. The bulk of Tigard consists of ancient apartment buildings, ranch houses built decades ago and poor schools. Tigard has always been and is still considered the blue-collar wrong-side-of-the-tracks poor neighbor of Lake Oswego.

      Lake Oswego is no bag of fun either. It looks better but also lacks manners and breeding.

      As more Californians move into the area (trickle, not a flood) they bring better cars (foreign not beaters with gun racks) and better businesses. The places named above are, at best, pub grubs. You have to go to Portland for good restaurants.

      The problem with Tigard and Portland BTW is its deep-seated racist, misogynistic, jingoistic underbelly. Rather than being the hotbed of progressive thinking and diversity, it is full of the petty and the weak-minded. Bullies and racists and misogynists run amuck in the area. Remember that the area is built on raping and pillaging the land of natural resources not building anything. Large parts of the area are crumbling because of the decline of the timber industry yet people are sitting on their hands waiting for timber to come back to life.

      Do not be fooled by the PR. You can simply google racism in Oregon and see the reality of its ugly underbelly.

  4. Tigard is gross. Wasn’t there some kind of plan to revitalize the grungy blocks of downtown? What happened? Unemployment? Lack of moolah? Lack of energy? Lack of brainpower?

    No sun, almost always gray, nothing to do, nowhere to go, just a place to escape from before your mind turns to meatball mush.

    • LOL. Do you know there are people in Tigard who are afraid to go to the “big” city aka the little town of PDX?

      Tigardidiots = cowards

  5. Tigard is gross. Wasn’t there some kind of plan to revitalize the grungy blocks of downtown? What happened? Unemployment? Lack of moolah? Lack of energy? Lack of brainpower?

    No sun, almost always gray, nothing to do, nowhere to go, just a place to escape from before your mind turns to meatball mush.

  6. Thank God. Tigard, Oregon sucks.

    It is a God-forsaken place if ever there was one.

    It rains all the time. It is depressing all the time. The people are nasty, nasty, nasty all the time.

  7. This is so on point. Tigard, Oregon is indeed the worst place on the planet. Well, there may be a square mile in the middle of Siberia or Death Valley that might be as horrific a place to exist but….then maybe not.

    Do you know that you can hear the highway in the middle of the night because Tigard is so poorly planned that traffic noise carries? Ditto the train traffic. Noisy, noisy, noisy, noisy, noisy is the state of affairs in Tigard, Oregon.

    Did I say that I agree that Tigard, Oregon is an awful place to be? I thought so. That nut job who is so upset (insert sniveling here) that people HATE Tigard, Oregon is typical of the useless, lower-class Oregonians that live in Tigard, Oregon.

  8. This is so on point. Tigard, Oregon is indeed the worst place on the planet. Well, there may be a square mile in the middle of Siberia or Death Valley that might be as horrific a place to exist but….then maybe not.

    Do you know that you can hear the highway in the middle of the night because Tigard is so poorly planned that traffic noise carries? Ditto the train traffic. Noisy, noisy, noisy, noisy, noisy is the state of affairs in Tigard, Oregon.

    Did I say that I agree that Tigard, Oregon is an awful place to be? I thought so. That nut job who is so upset (insert sniveling here) that people HATE Tigard, Oregon is typical of the useless, lower-class Oregonians that live in Tigard, Oregon.

  9. Tigard, Oregon is a throw away town. It does not even look like a town. Tigard, Oregon looks like ugly pieces of ugly towns strung together along ugly stretches of road. Put an ugly strip mall here, put an ugly strip mall there, keep that ugly old building there and then (drum roll) achieve a high level of empty buildingdom due to the crummy economy.

    So Tigard, Oregon has this big honking mall. It also has other shopping areas bordering on said mall. Said shopping areas have huge pieces of empty retail space. What is up with that? After all, there appear to be all manner of buildings going up in the area and yet there is all this empty space.

    So Tigard, Oregon has this other moderately honking mall. I supposed it is supposed to look like a mall in California (hint, hint) and it is ok but dull. It is supposed to be somewhat aspirational but its ‘anchor’ store is now a discount Saks. I am pretty sure that an outlet store is not aspirational. Whoopee. I’m shopping online from another state.

    Tigard, Oregon sucks. Oregon sucks. Oregon is pretty much hell on earth. It is not Detroit…yet…but who can predict the future.

  10. Tigard Oregon is the most depressing, awful, soggy, ugly place on the face of the planet. Say thanks be to God if you never have to live in Tigard, Oregon.

    The traffic is horrible in Tigard, the houses are all smashed together with no yards and no real trees. It is true. There is no urban planning in Tigard, Oregon. See an empty lot over there? Stuff some cheap houses onto it and park 6 cars on a driveway that is designed for 2.

    The noise is awful. Tigard, Oregon has to be one of the noisiest towns around. The traffic noise is something else because Tigard, Oregon is, essentially, a big traffic interchange. Traffic is continuous and fast and really noisy especially with snow tires in winter.

    There are also lots of sirens all the time day and night. What is up with that? Is there a lot of crime in Tigard, Oregon? It sure sounds like it.

    Tigard, Oregon does not have a single good restaurant. They are all chains and not even good chains. I don’t know anyone who likes any restaurant in Tigard, Oregon. If you want to go out to eat then you go elsewhere.

    Even Beaverton has decent restaurants.

    If you want to see how bad Tigard, Oregon is then drive down 99W which has got to be the ugliest stretch of road in the world. It is all moldy storefronts and concrete. It is really ugly.

    Tigard, Oregon blows. You should be very happy you do not have to live in Tigard, Oregon.

  11. Tigard Oregon is the most depressing, awful, soggy, ugly place on the face of the planet. Say thanks be to God if you never have to live in Tigard, Oregon.

    The traffic is horrible in Tigard, the houses are all smashed together with no yards and no real trees. It is true. There is no urban planning in Tigard, Oregon. See an empty lot over there? Stuff some cheap houses onto it and park 6 cars on a driveway that is designed for 2.

    The noise is awful. Tigard, Oregon has to be one of the noisiest towns around. The traffic noise is something else because Tigard, Oregon is, essentially, a big traffic interchange. Traffic is continuous and fast and really noisy especially with snow tires in winter.

    There are also lots of sirens all the time day and night. What is up with that? Is there a lot of crime in Tigard, Oregon? It sure sounds like it.

    Tigard, Oregon does not have a single good restaurant. They are all chains and not even good chains. I don’t know anyone who likes any restaurant in Tigard, Oregon. If you want to go out to eat then you go elsewhere.

    Even Beaverton has decent restaurants.

    If you want to see how bad Tigard, Oregon is then drive down 99W which has got to be the ugliest stretch of road in the world. It is all moldy storefronts and concrete. It is really ugly.

    Tigard, Oregon blows. You should be very happy you do not have to live in Tigard, Oregon.

  12. I have to agree. I can’t stand driving down this stretch of road, I only do so if I absolutely have to. Unfortunately that seems like the case most days.

  13. I have to agree. I can’t stand driving down this stretch of road, I only do so if I absolutely have to. Unfortunately that seems like the case most days.

    • 99W through Tigard has to be the saddest, ugliest, most depressing stretch of road ever. What is wrong with Tigard?

      Everything. Just everything.

  14. Yeah, I lived there for 5 years. Cheated death everytime I had to cross 99W to catch a bus. Had my car broken into, had a crackhead for a neighbor (might’ve been him) Overall Tigard is a nice town……

    …..to leave.

    • Here is Tigard-ite Anon expressing yet another discriminatory microthought….do not expect more from Tigard-ites as you will be quite disappointed.

      Yes, this is what you can expect. This kind of creepy behavior and all of the cold and rain you can ever desire.

  15. I agree with all the Tigard Sucks comments. Tigard is the dirty little town between Lake Oswego (not as dirty, way over priced for what it is) and Beaverton (not as dirty, almost as inept). There is nothing in Tigard that is remotely beautiful or interesting or exceptional.

    Tigard is a crummy place to live. It has tons of traffic that run through residential areas. Cars threaten to mow down pedestrians and bicyclists as they speed in between the highways on their way to other places. Tigard is really just a massive traffic interchange and nothing more.

    Tigard claims to be family friendly but it isn’t. Tigard is stupid friendly. If you are stupid then Tigard is friendly to you. If you are intelligent, run from Tigard as fast as you can. Tigard will lower your IQ if you breathe the air in Tigard for any length of time.

    Tigard has the worst municipal government and the most inept city planning. That is, Tigard has stupid government and stupid city planning. Have you seen the mess that is downtown Tigard?

    Downtown Tigard sits beneath an overpass. That is correct. Downtown is underneath a crowded, dirty, car-laden overpass. Who plans an overpass over main street or main street under an overpass?

    • Note the not-subtle racism of Anon and his/her/its nasty Tigard-esque posting.

      This is typical.

      Enough said. It is despicable but typical of Tigard-ites.

  16. I agree with all the Tigard Sucks comments. Tigard is the dirty little town between Lake Oswego (not as dirty, way over priced for what it is) and Beaverton (not as dirty, almost as inept). There is nothing in Tigard that is remotely beautiful or interesting or exceptional.

    Tigard is a crummy place to live. It has tons of traffic that run through residential areas. Cars threaten to mow down pedestrians and bicyclists as they speed in between the highways on their way to other places. Tigard is really just a massive traffic interchange and nothing more.

    Tigard claims to be family friendly but it isn’t. Tigard is stupid friendly. If you are stupid then Tigard is friendly to you. If you are intelligent, run from Tigard as fast as you can. Tigard will lower your IQ if you breathe the air in Tigard for any length of time.

    Tigard has the worst municipal government and the most inept city planning. That is, Tigard has stupid government and stupid city planning. Have you seen the mess that is downtown Tigard?

    Downtown Tigard sits beneath an overpass. That is correct. Downtown is underneath a crowded, dirty, car-laden overpass. Who plans an overpass over main street or main street under an overpass?

    • You’re f**king retarded. Tigard is far from dirty. Don’t get on here and bitch about the city layout just cause you get stuck in traffic, gook

    • Note the not-subtle racism of Anon and his/her/its nasty Tigard-esque posting.

      This is typical.

      Enough said. It is despicable but typical of Tigard-ites.

  17. I used to work in Tweakard, the locals are garbage who make the bars their LIFE. And any decent looking girls who bartend there are scorned by the fugly old local women who can’t stand the attention they get. They will be ok to their faces then trash them, start rumors about them and generally do whatever they can to get them fired. Many of them don’t understand that when you’re old and fat nobody wants to see you in skimpy clothes. (I’m looking at you, Lisa Garnet-Furrow-Whatever. Stop grossing everyone out and buy clothes that fit. Really, you just make an a$$ out of yourself.) Make it to Beaverton, Portland, even Hillsburrito is better than Tigard. You REALLY don’t want those locals to be your neighbors.

  18. You are absolutely correct. Tigard sucks.

    Everything about Tigard sucks. It has the ugliest downtown in the history of the world, the loudest and most ill-behaved brats and the dumbest people and most inept city government on earth.

    Tigard is a lower class hell hole. It is noisy, full of traffic, full of fumes and pollution (have you seen 99W?) and the ugliest vinyl houses ever. It has no night life, no interesting shopping and now no jobs.

    Houses in Tigard on Bull Mountain are over priced and have no yards. They have a gazillion children who are kicked out of the house at any hint of sun and go on to vandalize their neighbors, steal things and scream at the top of their lungs until nightfall.

    Tigard is the worst place to live in the history of the world. It will suck your soul out of your nostrils and beat you to death with it.

  19. Tigard is the coolest place ever! I love tigard so much, I’m getting it tattooed in a heart!
    tigard for eva!!!!
    tigard!!!
    for eva!!!!

  20. So tigard sucks does it now!!! well it is better then this entire state of california that I live in this place f**king sucks!!!! and at least it rains up in portland I have not seen f**king rain for twelve years and I am not joking when I say that and at least you have clean air and trees we don’t have any of that s**t down here the entire state is full of nothing but crime, drugs, and god knows what other s**t there is down here and I don’t want to know I live in the meth capital of the world bakersfield CA I will trade places with anyone in tigard anyday of the week to get the f**k out of here.

    • Then why don’t you? California has sun, industry, things to do, interesting people. Portland is mostly a grungy little town with people who need to be washed and almost no sunlight most of the year. Tigard is a hell hole….all the circles of hell.

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    • Thank God. Tigard, Oregon sucks.

      It is a God-forsaken place if ever there was one.

      It rains all the time. It is depressing all the time. The people are nasty, nasty, nasty all the time.

  23. I agree with just about everything included in those post but watch out for those gags about 45 -55 year old divorcees stuck with a boring jobs and dreary personal lives. It’s very easy to become one of those yourself if you don’t watch out.

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