#58 Senator Jeff Merkley’s Eyebrows

merkleybrows1US Senator Jeff Merkley was born in the beautiful swamp known as Myrtle Creek. Spending little of his childhood there, his family moved to Portland, Oregon where opportunity exists. Merkley would gain political influence through his collegiate career, eventually finishing his Master of Public Policy degree at Princeton University. The seed was planted, and soon he would be able to use it against the entire nation.

With many politicians taking fashion risks to build their army of supporters – such as bow ties – Merkley decided to opt-out of such petty campaigns. Working on a secret strategy to unfold upon the nation, he built a steady resume including stints at the Office of the Secretary of Defense, Congressional Budget Office, Habitat for Humanity and eventually as Oregon House Rep for east Portland District 47. Growing in power, Merkley had finally reached the appropriate size.

Past the age of 50, and with an adequate amount of political experience, Merkley was prepared to unleash his secret weapon. With both eyebrows now at full capacity, Jeff was able to will each one to display sympathetic looks that all Oregonians could embrace. “Left-Eyebrow Lopez” was 3 1/4 inches long, weighing in at 2 oz. “Fro-brow” had hit the 4 inches mark, destroying the previous World Record held by the left brow of Tim Kaine, Governor of Virginia.

Throughout the 2008 election season, Portlanders were given the chance to see these Politicatipillers in action. With each commercial, anti-Merkley ad, debate and TV appearance, Merkley would will his expressive and domineering browwarmers to charm the city of Portland. Fro-brow would always stand 2 centimeters above Left-Eyebrow Lopez to add just enough genuine sympathy to each word Merkley spoke. It worked. Merkley defeated the 12-year Oregon incumbent to became a United States Senator.  The eyebrows crept up the forehead, giddy with excitement.

Jeff Merkley was able to control Multnomah county with this new mystical power. Next stop, United States… and then the World.

6 thoughts on “#58 Senator Jeff Merkley’s Eyebrows

  1. When all else fails, attack the eyebrows: a strategy of desperation. The fact that Sen. Merkley’s record of representing Oregonians and Smith’s record or shady political deals as a corporate patsy have nothing to do with the vote results. Merkley didn’t “win” the election. He was selected by the voter’s of Oregon who were tired of being misrepresented and often duped by his predecessor. But,if the only thing that “you” can attribute to his election success is his eyebrows, then one can easily understand how Mr. Smith held his post for so long. As ex-president Bush so eloquently expressed in one of his speeches; “You can fool some of the fools all of the time.” Of course, I may have misinterpreted his meaning. His eye brows were seductively bushy – no pun intended.
    Get over it and move on. Be a responsible citizen and hold Merkley to the ethical political standards that you didn’t hold Smith to.

  2. It’s not Merkley’s eyebrows that bug me, but the white stuff that collects in the corners of his mouth. It reminds me of my high school driver’s ed teacher, and gives me nightmares.

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