#71 Lake Oswego Moms

For decades, these vixens of venture capital investors have roamed the Alphabet streets, maintaining their persona of perfection. Oh you pretty little gold diggers, with your double and (sometimes even triple!) wide $4000 strollers and your Gucci diaper bags all for your ugly baby. Juicy Baby can’t hide that face. When not cougaring around for your next play toy you are jogging around Bridgeport in your coordinating Lucy activewear after morning yoga/erotic dance classes. Immediately after this, you grace Peets Coffee where you will hold up the line with your half-caff, non fat, sugar-free half vanilla and half hazelnut latte order while you shuffle through you Louis Vuitton looking for coordinating wallet.

You park your Maserati next to me at Albertson’s then glare at me while I get into my moderately priced SUV as you load your organic veggies and strawberry Go-gurt into what was once considered a fine piece of Italian engineering and has now been caged and turned into your grocery getter. Country Club Road is clogged with your Escalades and Hummers in pearl white and I-try-to-hard yellow (respectively). You consistently travel at least 5-10 miles under the speed limit. All of this just to say ‘Look at me! I’m so rich I am a better person than you’.

Manzana happy hour you say? Sounds great! Plans are instantly foiled because you all have been there since 2pm. Why? Because you don’t work. Why would you? Your father, I mean hubby is OLD and has money and therefore a job is simply out of the question. You have more important things to do. Like Manis and martinis with your token favorite gay friend from SE!

70 thoughts on “#71 Lake Oswego Moms

  1. I’ll never go to Lake Oswego again. I got a ticket for no reason and the biased a-hole judge fined me nearly $500. Of course it would have cost me more to fight it. One of these days I’m going to do something that will cost L.O. ten times the amount they stole from me.

  2. Wow. This “assessment” is so superficial! I hope it was meant to be more humorous than accurate? I live in LO, drive a 10-year-old Subaru, and I don’t know a Louis Vuitton from a paper sack (but I’m pretty sure I can afford only the sack). There are people who live in LO and like to flaunt their disposable income, but most of us are here for the great schools, parks, and safe neighborhoods. People are people, no matter where they live.

  3. I live in Portland but I go to LOJ (Lake Oswego Junior High) and it is TORTURE! The worst part is most of my friends have drifted but not because of me because of my young, unwed, unemployed MOM. It is the same thing with my little brother. LO moms are out of control!

  4. You are right on !!! I lived in Fake Oswego and could not stand it for this and other reasons.
    I moved out and I am the happiest person ever!
    This is an accurate description of this superficial
    place! I am a mom and I thought it was just me who was observing this. I am so happy to know that it is a reality and not just my imagination.
    Thank you for writing this so that other people that are not like that can avoid making the mistake of living I such a place . Fake Oswego.

  5. Wow, Is L.O. really like this?! Do the people there really think this way about each other? I thought it was a more considerate kind of place. Where would you all recommend living in Portland, where it’s beautiful, kind and safe? That’s where I want to be~

  6. I find blogs an interesting study in human behavior. The reason why so many bad politicians are elected into office is because opinions and misperceptions guide the public’s decision, rather than facts, thorough research and critical thinking. Many innocent people get hurt because the facts of a particular group, such as LO Moms, are not thoroughly investigated/researched.

    This blog, at best, entertains many curiosity seekers like Brandon. I like his response more than anyone elses.

  7. WTF is this site about? People have nothing better to do than to gripe and complain?
    Too much TV and “reality” shows…get outside, work outside and get a life!!

  8. The author is correct. I’d bet my last $$ that none of these woman would ever survive living in a foreign country without the cushy Condiments to life they have in LO. Each tries to out do the other with their pseudo intelligence, husbands large black SUV’s, credit cards galore and I am so wonderful attitude/smart/attractive and take charge type of gal-get a grip girls. You put your pants on the same way as the rest of us. If either the husband or “soccer mom” wife were to get laid off, you’d hear indignation about how bad life is and the liberal morons would start pointing figures at everybody else for their misery.

  9. Why would someone care about what these ladies are doing ? I lived in LO (better part), walked in the same Starbucks and I never saw them …Or maybe I just didn’t pay attention, because I don’t care.

    It looks like the author envies badly LO moms…A question should be asked : why ?

    Be cool and good luck!

    • I’m not sure I’m one of them. I don’t have “big black SUV”( my son asked me once “Why all the moms in LO driving big black SUVs? Is it like trademark of the place?”…
      …Now I live in Bay Area, I’m a Californian now, ahahahaha…Still, no Hummer.

      My point is : Why to care ? Why ?

      So, yeah, I missed it ! 😉

  10. Hi there,

    I am a part-time Title 1 reading teacher and an LO mom (two kids in college and one in jr. high) and am having a reading readiness seminar in LO on June 8. It will be a very fun, entertaining and informative presentation on the basics of the reading process and offer fresh, innovative, inexpensive ideas (free or under $1 including supplies) and activities to do with preschoolers to set the stage for reading success. Participants will receive a guideline packet with teaching graphics and a list of resources. I will be actually demonstrating activities and giving an informal lesson example for parents that includes both a phonics and comprehension component. I will even be giving away prizes of school supplies! This is not meant to translate to “directed teaching” but is more of a catalyst for parents to take advantage of every day environmental cues that offer “teachable moments” and learning opportunities. I guarantee your members will feel they got their money’s worth.

    The seminar is in 3 weeks, so do you have any ideas on how I could promote this to your organization’s members in this time frame?

    I look forward to hearing from you.

    –Sharon Callen
    Lake Oswego Tutoring


    Unlock the mystery of reading readiness! Attend a fun and informative seminar for parents and grandparents of children from infancy to 5 years and learn fresh, inexpensive ideas and activities to set the stage for your child’s reading success. It will be held June 8 from 7-8:30 p.m. at the Oswego Heritage House, 389 10th Street, Lake Oswego. Contact Sharon Callen at 503-505-0935 or email sl.callen@comcast.net. The cost is $35 and advance registration is required. Checks or Visa/MC accepted. Discounts for couples, teachers or groups of 5 or more.

  11. LOL LOL LOL.

    I just moved to Lake Oswego with my Fiancee and our 2 year old.

    You can find me at the park with my daughter.

    You can also find me with ear phones in with no music coming out as to avoid these very same Lake Oswego Moms.

    We came for Lewis and Clark.

    We are not rich and we are not snobs.

    We do love the drop in Buddah prices though.

    Save me some CHEDDAR!!!!

  12. Why else would Reno55 be so aggressive unless she fits this description to a tee? Nice run-on sentences too. And they say we should be thankful for all the intelligence that comes from California.

    By the way, while I recognize that there are more people down in California it never ceases to amaze me how people think Portland isn’t congested, over-crowded, etc. I think they are in denial, because admitting reality would kill their rationalizations for moving here.

    Lastly, is anyone else entertained by the irony of how Californians are creating the same thing here that they thought they were escaping by leaving California? Sorry, Portland isn’t going to cure your unhappiness, Reno55.

  13. I have never laughed before like I laughed tonight reading these blogs, rants, comments, misspelling and replies..
    Thanks a lot to the author if this blog.

  14. i bet reno 55 weighs more than the suv she cant have because no guy with any spine or money would marry her stretchmarked a$$. you are why we dont like californians lumbering up here you whale assed bitch. although it seems as though your pimply a$$ has been kicked around most of the west coast…try new jersey blimpo, you might make a friend there thats not a restaurant/food product. your all ignorance and arrogance,nothing new and nothing more. i eagerly await your overly hostile reply(as soon as you put the spoon down in your emptied haagen daz tub.)

  15. I love, love, love this post! We used to live in L.O. and as I drove to work and watched them jogging or walking in groups like a pack of wolves, I used to snicker about their matching uniforms of black leggings, baseball caps with blonde pony tails, and then yell at them (windows closed, OK?): “Go to work, biatch!”

    Best part of my day.

    Yes, there are many nice people in the community, but many of them are snotty pants who think they are better than the rest of us. Stereotype, yes, but the truth in many instances. Truth hurts, I guess.

    Love this site, by the way. Can’t get enough of those Barbies!

  16. Of course, the city has its own parents who suck – usually the hipster or sensitive New Age parents who let their kids run around,scream, and have temper tantrums in coffee shops.

    Disciplining a kid is taboo – it would hurt their indigo aura.

    And Random Order on Alberta is the epicenter of this kind of non-parenting.

  17. I’m sorry to burst your bubble bill but I have already moved up to Oregon and as of right now I have been enjoying every damn minute of it this state is great clean air no polution zero crime and the list goes on and on I don’t give a f**k if you don’t like Californians or not that is not my f**king problem

    Who in the f**k are you to tell me what the hell I should be doing in my life bud this is America goddamn it!!! and I will move and live in the areas I choose to live in it’s people like you who are screwing up this country with their narrow minded ignorance we are not Living in China or Russia were we are controlled and told what to do by elites and contrary to what you have heard not all Californians are jerks bud get a life grow up and leave people alone to make their own choices in life.

    • Reno — These are just the things about Portland that suck. There’s a lot about Portland that’s good, too. Not sure why you think the city has zero crime, though. Example: You must have heard about the MAX train crime spree that was going on till they started putting more cops on the lines. In then slowly tapered off. Another example is the spike in theft of metal (statues from public parks, etc) by crackheads last year when aluminum and copper hit all-time highs. Remember the statue of Sacagawea that was stolen and later recoved cut-up in pieces?

      On another note there’s a stereotype Oregonians believe: All the Californians moving here are airheads from the LA area. Which is false. 😛 I couldn’t give a f**k what part of the state they’re from — they drop tens, if not hundreds, of millions of dollars in the state economy every year.

  18. “You have more important things to do. Like Manis and martinis with your token favorite gay friend from SE!”

    Southeast is gay? News to me… Hmm

  19. This whole blog is full of crap I am moving up to oregon asap becuase the life style in cali is just the pits I have had it with the smog, the people, the driving habits of everyone on the roads in my state; were no one has any consideration for anybody else. I should also mention that everything down here is as expensive as hell. California sucks a big one the entire state is nothing but a mudhole except if you live in san fransico or on the coast and you have to be rich to live in those places I would trade places any day of the week with someone living in portland come check out bakersfield you will run back to portland within a matter of hours be happy with portland bud!!!!!!

    • Actually reno, I found San Francisco to be kind of a hole—and full of painfully rude people, too! On the plus side, Knott’s Berry Farm is a fairly quick jaunt from Bakersfield is it not?

    • Yes knotts berry farms is not to far away as well as disney land and six flags but then again the LA area is just crazy to many people to much traffic and way to smoggy just like were I live but it beats bakersfield by far actually I go to LA quite a bit I make about several trips a month out of a lack of things to do in bakersfield.

      As far as San Fransico goes yes there are rude people there but that is because life in the bay area has become extremly stressful especially over the last twenty years I should know I lived up there for sixteen years myself don’t take anything personal from people up there they are just all burnt out like I am, one of the reasons that I like oregon is because life is really slow and that there is just alot of open nature up there granted there are places like that in california but you know…. though oregon has it’s own drawbacks like the rain but what are you going to do you can’t win everything.

      I used to live in washinton for one year so I already know about the weather situation I’ve also lived in Las Vegas and Texas as well and those places you must avoid like the plauge

    • Reno, what’s wrong with Texas? I’m not defensive I’m asking because my bf is applying for a job in Houston. I have no idea what it’s like there.

  20. The best part of all of this is I’m willing to bet $$ that the one’s bitching about the “trophy wives” have loser boyfriends who smoke too much pot and listen to Bob Marley all day. There are haves and have nots in this society and unfortunately some of that has to do with looks. Keep on hating on trophy wives… because guys who are successful don’t tend to choose over opinionated hippie chicks, they tend to prefer an attractive female. Now go smoke a bong and listen to “One Love” and ponder the genius of Bob Marley with your life mate.

    • Try again–the hubby and I are both hot career type people, leading a clean life and loathing reggae. It IS completely possible to be neither a hippie or a bourgeois plastic—it’s commonly known as “everyone else”.

      And since this is a free speech blog with no religious affiliation, I will feel free take whomever’s name in vain I so please. BTW, Mrs. BLO, your (see? that would be correct) really, really bad grammar offends me.

      As for my assumptions, I was simply responding to Tracy’s quite humourless responses to the original, very funny post (including her claim that she’s president of the Lake Oswego Moms’ Club). But I do appreciate your efforts to make peace, incendiary as they were.

  21. Wait, you drive an SUV?
    Moderately priced, whatever. Excuses, schmexcuses.
    Can I say you are one of the things about Portland that suck?

    • That’s right I do drive a small suv, and no you may not say I suck. I, am sure that I do way more for my community than you! People like you make Portland suck! Are you even from portland? So, to you I say “hi hater”. Whatever makes youu feel better, and if that means talking about someone whom you don’t know than so bbe it.

    • Corolla,
      Go ooze your hate some place else! I am sure you not a native and probably young and have nothing better to do than hate on others that you probably are jealous of. Why don’t you put positive energy into your universe its much better than all the negative that gets reflected in our world and daily lives currently.

    • Jesus, Tracy–it’s immaterial whether or not Corolla is a native Oregonian (how painfully provincial of you, BTW), (s)he’s merely contributing to this blog.

      You were annoying enough with your previous pathetically thin skinned responses, but now you feel compelled to get all new agey/high school-y? “You’re just jealous”?????

      Please be quiet if that’s the best your arsenal has to offer.

    • Zumpie Uh, 1) Provincial??? REALLY???? You are defending someone do don’t know and agree that one of the things that suck about Portland is people driving a moderately priced SUV.

      Wow – For someone who vehemently responds,”You were annoying enough with your previous pathetically thin skinned responses, but now you feel compelled to get all new agey/high school-y?” This is an equal opportunity offender blog doing exactly what it was intended for. I guess this puts you into the category of being all high school-y and provincial!

      Why don’t you leave, your odious comments are crude and malevolent. Go waste your time and energy in poisoning some other blog.

      “If nothing else, it will give you and your friends something to discuss over drinks besides your mani/pedis.”

    • Tracy,

      It’s very sad that you clearly don’t seem to understand the context that I used “provincial” or (more likely) even what it means. I referred to your rather xenophobic comment of “you’re probably not a native”–which was most assuredly provincial.

      I might get a bit high school-y (and certainly smirky), but I am definitely NOT provincial (nor crude). And again, this blog is intended for precisely the sort of comments I posted.

      I’ll add, since the snarky appears to offend your ever thinning skin, perhaps it is YOU who should leave. And spend some of your sugar daddy’s $$$ on some book learnin’. Your gold digger looks won’t last forever!!! 🙂

    • Can’t we just get along?! Zumpie…. please don’t use the Jesus’s name in vain. Last but not least Tracy is not a gold digger at all, and her husband is not old at all! Like I stated before ” don’t asume, and know your’re facts”. Stop watching desprate housewives! You are sooooo far fetched with you’re comments. So, I invite you to come join us one day, and then you may be surprised.

  22. Okay… I am a member of the club, and it’s not like that at all. Just because we live in Beautiful Lake O does not mean we are snobs. I don’t want to waste to much time on this but don’t judge untill you know you’re facts dear. I am a proud member, and we don’t all have $4000 srollers! I do have a LV bag (great knock off from NY!), and I enjoy Starbucks! Well, I have to go get in my “05” used suv and meet my girls for our $30 mani pedi’s! See ya soon Tracy!

  23. If there are any hot Oswego mom’s looking for 27 year old, physically fit hispanic boy toy please contact me.

  24. Tracy,

    “Now your integrity is in question and how do you fix it? Do you defend yourself to try and educate a group of people that prejudice and know nothing about you, do you not respond to their juvenile responses, or do you do get defensive and obsess about what others are saying to you.”

    Uh, 1) integrity??? REALLY???? Over a smirky, equal opportunity offender blog doing exactly what it was intended for??? and 2)I guess you’d be in the latter group, huh??? 🙂

    Learn to take a joke. If nothing else, it will give you and your friends something to discuss over drinks besides your mani/pedis.

  25. Tracy don’t let Zumpie get to you. She thinks she knows absolutely everything about everything. She has snide remarks for every topic that’s getting attention these days. We all know people who think they’re smarter than everyone, and are they really?

    • Well Pdx alot of things are wrong with Texas let’s first start off with the weather it changes constantly and on a moments notice I might add. If you like to deal with massive thunderstorms, duststorms, and last but not least tornados well then texas is a state for you.

      I could never make heads or tails with any of the freeways in Texas either hell I am from california and I could not figure out the road systems in that state.

      If you have allergies like I do then Texas should be avoided remember I told you about the dust well…. need I say more and there are no trees to speak of but come to think of it I was out in west texas so…. as far as the rest of the state goes I don’t know? and then texas is not know for being an open minded state most of the people there are pretty much set in their ways and do not care to hear any other opinions that conflict with their own ways of thinking narrow minded is the best way to put it.

      I was really never impressed with the state I found the dallas ft worth area to be hollow and darn right dreary, DFW was another issue for me I couldn’t figure the layout of that damn airport as well confusing is what it was.

      Another thing about texas is that they have a public drunkeness law as in you are not allowed to be drunk in public and that includes being in a bar please explain this logic to me. Texas is also known as being ultra conservative and I am talking about the far right so if you are not like that well I don’t know what to say (I lived in abilene texas by the way).

      I can’t tell you a whole lot about houston but from what I have heard it has a very high crime rate it’s just alot higher then in most cities I am sorry to be so negative about texas as a whole but I hate that state it just sucked for me if you have lived in coastal areas like I have for most of my entire life well you are not going to like texas my advice to you is not to go there it is super hot in the summer and freezing in the winter.

      I only lived out in texas for three years and was happy to get the hell out and the only reason I went to that god for saken state was because the military sent me there I was in the air force for three years.

  26. I find it very sad for those of you who have nothing better to do than slam a club that you obviously know nothing about. Many of the moms do work and about 35% of the moms come from other cities like Portland, Beaverton & West Linn.

    • I also find it interesting how judgmental a group of people can be about a specific group of people simply by relating them to a picture that was taken off a photo site called iStock. This website just went live a few weeks ago with this picture. The funny thing is that is in not a picture of any of our moms.

      I am positive that you have more in common with these moms and families than you think! I am sure that if you were brave enough to post a picture of yourself that all sorts of negative judgments and assumptions could be made about you but would any of them be true?

      Now your integrity is in question and how do you fix it? Do you defend yourself to try and educate a group of people that prejudice and know nothing about you, do you not respond to their juvenile responses, or do you do get defensive and obsess about what others are saying to you.


  27. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me why I moved away the first minute I had the opportunity, as did all my kids who were forced to live there growing up.

    As hard as it is to be around spoiled moms, try being a kid when one of your best friends gets a Hummer for his sixteenth birthday.

    I don’t miss it at all.

  28. You’ll also find them taking their precious l’il Emma or Jake to the Portland Children’s Museum—and then becoming outrageously irritated with any other kid that ventures within spitting distance of their sweet, uber-special darling.

    • Well, that’s because they don’t want the other kids to steal any of that indigo aura. Because, you know, not everyone knows that each and every one of those kids at the Portland Children’s Museum was a virgin birth.

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