#73 Whole Foods

wholefoodsExpensive, expensive, expensive & expensive. Walking the aisle of Whole Foods will amaze most people with their great selection of both brand name and small market niches. But once you reach the unprofessional hippie clerk at check out, you might choke on your processed spearmint gum. Whole Foods and Wild Oats are an experiment in “how much will college-educated people pay for food”. This brilliant capitalistic exercise has turned me into somewhat of a boycotter.

I’m tired with people mentioning their Whole Paycheck experience. It makes me want to vomit when I hear talk about how much their pasta salad lunch cost. You seriously think the “make your own sandwich” is better than a deli? All natural, organic and whole foods don’t taste bad to me. Somehow, 365 has found a way to consistently provide me with the worst food ever.

There is no reason to shop at Whole Foods… ever. Do you want to support the local farmer? Then go to any of the amazing Co-Ops we have throughout PDX. The “local” farmers who provide produce to Whole Foods are actually packing sheds hundred miles away from town. Organic produce does not provide more nutrients than real produce. Could you imagine a world where all produce is organic? Humanity would die of starvation the minute a disease hits. By pissing away your money for a perceived notion of health, you are supporting starvation in the world.*

You being fat and lazy isn’t going to be remedied by whole food. So, you hike every weekend. Big deal! Try enjoying a healthy diet rather than eating crappy food because its “organic and all natural”. 365 Wheat Pasta is still going to make your a$$ look fat in 7’s. Since November ’07, I have been Whole Foods/Wild Oats free. I’m happy to say that I’m still alive after eating normal foods.

*I’m allowed one ridiculous argument a year

28 thoughts on “#73 Whole Foods

  1. I have dreadlocks, wear designer clothes, and will eat Whole Foods salad bar like everyday. I’m 34 years old work downtown in the service industry. I ride a bike everywhere and have cheap rent in SE(where there are no WF just a crap load of NS.) Some folks have different priorities. I have no partner, kids, or pets. My costs of living are low. If I spend 15-20 dollars a day on food(organic) that’s not hurting me. Where should I go to eat when downtown, Safeway? Just walking into Safeway makes my psoriasis become inflamed. Now Safeway is pretentious AND trashy. I can deal with college kids naive behind their cash registers at Whole Foods there’s a fresh batch every couple months, but at Safeway you actually have to dumb yourself down and breath only through your mouth to make it through there. Were people are so desperate and have such poor backgrounds they’ve made a career there. Oh yeah and you really get that low class vibe when you break out that Safeway card. Why not clip coupons? Is this why I live here? How about all the idiots with no style? They drive everywhere and spend money just to park their stupid car. I find cheapness, coupons, smart spending, and going without to all be character flaws. It’s a world of lies the second we are born the only choice we have is the lesser of evils. Animals must die and give milk and ovum so that I may live. The earth must assimilate my greedy hunger for plastic and paper and metal. If shopping at Whole Foods is a small luxury until the moment of death, I say go for it!

  2. Love your website! Being an ex-Portlander, I can appreciate most of the “hates” on your list, many of which were the reason for my departure. I lived there from ’89 – ’02, when houses were still pretty cheap, and way before all the monied folks and hipsters invaded. I knew it was all over when that snooty French store opened downtown and Whole Foods too. I now live in North Carolina and love it! There’s organic farms and local craft breweries here too, just not the smug snobs and trust fund babies who think they’re above everybody else!

  3. If its one thing that I’ve been sucked into after moving to Portland it is the whole, organic food trend. Here’s why:
    My boyfriend has a great job and we literally spend all or most of our money on food. Seriously, we can’t save anything because we shop almost exclusively at New Seasons and Whole Foods. I’m okay with this because as someone who is used to eating every day grocery store produce, organic fruits and vegetables TASTE SO MUCH BETTER! Before, I never liked eating fruits and vegetables, now that we buy organic I include them in every meal because I WANT to. And yes, it has made a difference in our overall health and helping us lose some weight, but it isn’t by any means THE WAY to lose weight and get healthier, you still have to exercise. It’s especially helpful if you don’t respond well to additives in food or artificial flavors (which I don’t).
    I do agree that its too expensive. I wince at the price of items by bf will put in our cart. But it’s his money and I’m not going to tell him how to spend it, just reap the tasty reward πŸ™‚

  4. Just stumbled onto this site googling “pioneer square parking”. This action is hilarious! I love Portland, as I can tell you guys do, which makes it all the more fun to hear the nuanced yet juggernaut-tastic critiques because they’re so right on. Cheers!

  5. Personally, my health is a lot better now that I’m shopping almost exclusively at farmer’s markets, Whole Foods and the Korean place down the road from my house. I’ve lost weight, have more energy, and my chemical-allergic sensitivity reactions have been cut to about 10% of what they once were.

  6. I don’t get the barbie doll thing please someone explain this thing to me I think the girls up here are hot yea they are plain but oh well not everything can be perfect.

  7. but not as expensive as trader joes and by the way the ceo of this company does not support universal health care another reason not to shop here hey but you have to admit they have good quality products.

  8. Pearl District yuppies love them $8 half-sandwiches. Unfortunately, the ones at New Seasons are only about a dollar cheaper.

  9. Interesting point about organics and the availability of food, as I had never really thought about that.

    I don’t shop Whole Foods, but I used to live where the only walkable grocers were Trader Joe’s and a local co-op, and it was AWFUL. The snobby deli with “vegan ribs” and “mock chicken salad”. If tofu is so great, I would like to know why they have to give it meat-related names in an attempt to make our mouths water. Every person serving my food had mousy brown dreadlocks and a bored look.

    Even canned foods weren’t immune. Who pays $5 for a single-serving can of soup?

    I lived in Lake Oswego for awhile, and even their farmer’s market wasn’t snobby.

    I was so happy to move from NW back to SE and my beloved Winco.

    • Hee!!! Plus thier hiring practices absolutely ensure it will ALWAYS be like that. According to the Whole Paycheck website: after you’ve completed a glorious month of stocking shelves and glaring at customers, your entire department meets and votes on whether or not you get to retain your awesome and super fufilling position.

      Yes, at Whole Foods, life can continue to be endless high school, complete with massive a$$ kissing just to stay on the lowest rung of the Pep Squad.

  10. Organic produce does not provide more nutrients than real produce.

    Actually……. this is not true. If you are getting your facts from the first google result: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/08/080807082954.htm, really examine the methods used to determine that opinion, the science is not sound. If you spend some time doing some real research into nutrition and chemical comparison of mass produced produce versus organic produce there is a significant disparity in the nutrient content, many times on an exponential factor. Many organic vegetables can have upwards of 1000% more vitamin content compared to an equivalent non-organic. On a side note, there is considerable evidence of today’s produce being significantly less nutritious than in the past regardless of whether it is organic or not. In any case, look past the first result in google to check your facts and you might consider incorporating more organic food in your diet.

    • Shut the f**k up you filthy hippy. Get yourself deloused, get a haircut, take a shower and attempt to do something constructive with your life. Why do all these dred lock losers dress exactly alike and have the same clothes and hair?

    • The responses to this intelligent comment about organic nutrients – which has been proven to be true scientifially – show the extreme lack of intelligence in this post and most of its commenters.

      “Organic produce does not provide more nutrients than real produce.”
      You’re an idiot. YES, organic produce does provide more nutrients. I’d prefer to eat Apples that haven’t been sprayed down with pesticides, then when picked, polished with wax and dyed to be a more vibrant color. It’s like raising a child on poison – you don’t think they’ll be less healthy come adulthood? Then you’re ignorant.

      It’s not about the waste case with dreadlocks. Yeah, a lot of those people suck. But I’d rather pay extra any day to be part of the SAD diet that people are NOT living well on.

    • “Proven to be true scientifically”


      Well that pretty much seals the case on Whitney’s knowledge of what science actually is, does, and can be counted upon to provide for those of us who can actually read, understand, and correctly intrepret a scientific argument.

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