This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and Tri-Met pass. Illegal Immigrant Ken was available but very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow (that’s not her birth name). She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
Lake Oswego Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Rolls Royce convertible or Hummer H2. Includes Starbucks cup, husband’s American Express card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Comes with traffic jamming text-message karate grip and willingness to swap Kens for a night.
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, knife, Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) …unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.
Pearl District Barbie
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.
Oregon City Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Midge’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
Forest Heights Barbie
This princess Barbie is sold exclusively at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of MARC JACOBS handbag, Burberry watch, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a 25,000 sq ft. patio home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over five feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.